Character Cafe 2023
October 5, 2023
Audition Monologue Options
Students may choose one of the following monologues, or find their own online.
Alicia is a princess who doesn’t like boys. She is talking to her father, the king.
“Daddy, I don’t want to be a princess anymore. I like the pretty dresses and I sort of like the dancing, but … why do I have to dance with boys? I really don’t like boys. The last boy I danced with told me about all the worms he ate. How he’d get his servants to search far and wide for the fattest, juiciest worms in the kingdom. I almost puked on my pretty slippers, Daddy! It was gross! I could just dance by myself from now on. And you, of course, because you’re my dad and not a boy. But I just cannot stand another day of dancing with worm-eaters!”
ELVES ON STRIKE
The leader of the elves union rallies the elves against Santa.
As the leader of the Union of the Order of the North Pole Elves, I stand here today and urge you to say no to Santa! No more working from sunup to sundown without so much as a snickerdoodle break! What does Santa think we are, robots? No, we’re elves, and we have rights! Tinsel, remember when he made you clean Dasher’s stall after he got into that barrel of chocolate? Cleaning chocolate poo is not in the elf job description! And Snazzy, there was that time when he ordered you to let Mrs. Claus use you as a mannequin for the little girl’s dresses she was making. Humiliating! I mean, what the falalala was he thinking? I mean he makes us wear these ridiculous Pinnocchio outfits and sing while we work, while he sits on his big fat butt watching the weather channel. And on Christmas day, he takes ALL the credit. (Imitating children.) “Mom, Santa came! Ooooh, look what Santa got me! How did he know I wanted this?” Listen up children of the world: Santa is not the one who made your train sets, and your dolly houses and your walkie talkies. It was US, the Elves of the Order of the North Pole. We did it all. Santa is just a lazy guy with a wiggly belly who works basically one day a year. Nothing but a gloried delivery man if you ask me! (Pauses. Listens to someone in the audience.) What’s that? Santa is where? (Looks behind him.) Oh fudgesicles.
Aren’t there any normal princesses out there?? I’d like to meet a princess who actually likes me- for me- not just because i came valiantly to her rescue. A princess who reads by the hour because she likes books! Not because she’s been locked in a tower for years. That would be refreshing! A princess who hides her beautiful face in ashes and pretends to be a maid until I throw a ball, and then suddenly there she appears - only to disappear again. I mean some guys think that’s interesting - but I’d like to actually finish our dance and say good night? And then really! You think the best way to meet me is to eat a poison apple and get your seven best friends put you in a glass coffin! A simple, “Hi, my name is Snow White.” Would work just fine for me! Really! (Prince hears something) oh no! Gotta run. Another princess in trouble!
CALL FROM MOM
A villain gets a phone call from their mother while fighting a hero.
Well, well, well… take a look at what we have here. It would appear that you and the rest of your so-called “heroes” have been bested by a villain. By me! (Laughs manically) Oh, you poor, poor thing. You thought I was bad before? Just wait. I have all the power now. This is all going according to plan. And now, nobody can stop m- (phone rings) …One second please… (answers phone, starts whispering) …no, no, Mom, I can’t talk right now. I’m busy. (Pause, getting louder) What do you think I’m doing? I’m working! Just turn on the news. You’ll see me. (pause) Mom, I will not wave at the camera, I have a reputation to uphold. (pause) No, no, no, no, no, don’t get dad. (waves) I’m waving, see? I’m waving! HI MOM! (Stops waving, turns back, and sighs) Anyway, why were you calling? Yes, of course, I’m coming to dinner, why wouldn’t I be? (pause) No, Mom, I am not inviting them. (pause) I don’t know, maybe because we are MORTAL ENEMIES? (Pause, turns to the hero) My Mom wants to know if you want to come for dinner tomorrow night. (Turns back to phone) They said no. (pause, turns back to hero) She said to tell you that it’s meatloaf. (Turns back to phone) It’s still a no. (pause) Ok, I really have to go now, Mom. Stop calling me while I’m at work. I’ll see you tomorrow, OK? (pause) Mhm, I love you too, bye. (Turns back to hero) Where was I? Oh, yes, that’s right, I will become the most powerful villain on this planet, and NO ONE CAN STO- (phone rings) Mom, we just talked about this, what do you need? (pause) Wait, Stacy’s Mom did what? (Pause, turns to hero) Sorry, I really need to take this. You can go. We can do this another time. (Turns back to the phone and walks away) You have got to be kidding. She cut all of her hair off? What does Stacy think about that? (exits)
Avast there matey. It be Talk like a Pirate Day. Hand over those donuts. Donuts are always free on Talk like a Pirate Day. I be looking for the perfect donut. It has to be the perfect length: twice as big as me mouth. Once I found the donut of me dreams and I have been on an endless search for one to match it's perfection. Let me tell ye a tale of the most delicious of donuts... but be warned... it's not for the faint of heart.
(PIRATE KELLY gets a dreamy look in his eye as he remembers eating the perfect donut)
Once was a donut ever so sweet
That its taste could never be beat
It was as heavenly as can be
Like it was made just for me
Better than a bottle of rum
After a few bites I felt undone
But it slipped from me grip
And that donut took a dip
Like a sinking ship lost at sea
Now food for fishes, bad for me
(The memory of losing the donut gets him crying. Then he looks around and realizes the person with the donuts is gone)
Where'd she go? You can't get rid of me that easy. I must have ye donuts!
Hero interrupts the Villain’s monologue
Listen buddy, I’m gonna stop you right there. You don’t understand how many times I’ve heard this kind of thing already. I’m honestly sick of monologues. You’re just gonna waste my time explaining your master plan and patting yourself on the back even though we both already know how this is gonna go. I’m gonna send you packing like I do to everyone else, and you’ll end up nothing more than a two-bit, D-list villain with an inferiority complex. If this was a comic book, they’d put you in a filler issue, give you a mediocre backstory, and never talk about you again. All you’re gonna be is a piece of trivia for superhero nerds with nothing better to spend their time on. But me? I’m the Golden Boy! I literally get paid to beat up people like you. So I have an idea, instead of giving me a novel, how about you just sum it up in a few words and let me enjoy the rest of my Sunday? What’s it gonna be? Kidnapping the Mayor? Bridge bombing? Mass mind control? I’ve seen it all buddy. You’re nothing special. That’s what you gotta get through your thick skull. You’ll never be an archenemy or on the starting roster of an evil team. You’ll never take over the world or have any henchmen. You’ll never do anything with your sad little life and that’s that. Oh, did I make you cry? Sorry man, but the truth hurts. You know what they say; if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Now let’s get this over with.
Nikko, Nikko! Where is the commander of my aerobatic apes? There you are. I have an important task for you. My enemies are about to enter the Haunted Forest. I want you to rouse your men and snatch the sickening little girl and her equally nauseating little dog. I’ll conjure up a spell to take the fight out of her. Now which of my creepy crawlie creations shall I send to plague her? The flibberty gibbet? No! The fly by night? No! Aha! I have it! The jitterbug! There is no more infectious bug in my book of spells. Once bitten, they can never stop dancing till they drop! And when they do, you shall be there to scoop up the little brat and the little brute and bring them both to me! Now go!
TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR
A terrified person is trapped in an elevator
“No. This isn’t happening. This is it. My nightmare has come true. I’m going to die. The cable is going to snap and I’m going to fall hundreds of stories. (Rapidly breathing.) I’m running out of air. I’ve got to get out of here. Which button do I press? This red one is for emergencies, right? Or is it the blue one? NO. Probably the red one. Use your head. Think. Think. Oh heck, I’m just going to press all of them. Nothing’s happening. There should be a siren or something. Help! Help! I’m trapped in the elevator! Anyone? Where’s my cell phone? (checking pockets.) Oh no, I left it charging in the car. Okay, calm down. Just calm down. What do I have to eat or drink. (Rifling through pockets.) Two sticks of gum. Gum covered in lint. I’m going to die. (Slumps to the floor.) No one knows I’m in here. They’re not going to find me until my rotting corpse starts stinking up the building. This is a dream, right? (Pinches herself.) Nope. I’m awake. I’m having a nightmare, but I’m awake. So, this is the way it ends for me. I’ll never graduate, or get my drivers license, or finish my snake skin collection or fulfill my life-long dream of being a fortune-cookie writer. (Lies down on the floor.) Oh God, take me now. I’m ready. (Hears noise.) I can hear the angels. They are coming to get me. Wait a minute. (Sits up.) That doesn’t sound like angels. It sounds like a blow-torch. (Jumps to feet.) Hello! I’m in here! I’m still alive! .Phew You found me just in time! I’ve been in there for days! What? It couldn’t have been just five minutes! Fine. If you say so. But from now on, I’m taking the stairs.”
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